Sci-Fi Storm

“That Darn Squid God” recipes

by on Mar.14, 2004, under General News

Nick Pollotta writes “GIANT CALAMARI (squid) RECIPES
by Nick Pollotta
(permission to reprint is hereby granted)

Step One: First, kill the colossal, rampaging, squid. This is accomplished by (read the Fantasy/Humor novel, “That Darn Squid God!” by Nick Pollotta and James Clay.)
And what follows is a humorous recipe in case you ever find youself stuck with a few tons of rather large squid carcass…


Nick Pollotta writes “GIANT CALAMARI (squid) RECIPES
by Nick Pollotta
(permission to reprint is hereby granted)

Step One: First, kill the colossal, rampaging, squid. This is accomplished by (read the Fantasy/Humor novel, “That Darn Squid God!” by Nick Pollotta and James Clay.)

Step Two: Next, make sure the damned thing is truly dead, and not faking. Then check it again. Okay, three times, just to be sure. (NATO is good for this, and so are nukes.)

Step Three: Now use firehoses to wash the squid thoroughly, and then use chainsaws to cut the body into convenient 100 lbs. slices (roughly the size of a Doberman)

Step Four: Mix three tons of corn meal, one ton of flour, 100lbs. of salt, pepper and garlic powder into a cement mixer truck. (or other suitable mechanized tumbler)

Step Five: Using a forklift, add the giant squid rings and mix until well coated, then place aside on a smooth dry bed of clean concrete.

Step Six: Fill a swimming pool with 14,000 gallons of olive oil (or vegetable oil, if you prefer) , then use military flamethrowers to heat the oil until a loaf of bread floats, but does not dissolve. (if the ceramic pool tiles start to melt, the oil is too hot!)

Step Seven: Using an industrial crane, hoist the coated slices of squid god, and dip them into the sizzling oil for 45 seconds, or until golden brown.

Step Eight: Place the fried squid onto one-redwood picnic table apiece, and dry off using a couple of dozen wet-n-dry shop vacuums.

Step Nine: Garnish with entire crops of arugula, and serve in wading pools along with a couple of dozen supersoakers filled with fresh lemon juice.
Serves 6,000 people. Or 8,000 with a garden salad.

GIANT SQUID TARTAR
Make sure it’s dead (see above).
Use dynamite to remove the tentacles, and throw away the head. (although the eyes do make a lovely, if weird smelly, summer home)>br>
Now, use chainsaws to cut the tentacles into convenient slices, then feed the slices into a bank of woodchippers (be sure to wear safety goggles as this part will be very messy, indeed).
Using bulldozers, shove the minced squid into a fleet of cement mixer trucks, then add 4 tons of finely-chopped onions, two tons of chopped black olives, 1,000 liters of extra-virgin olive oil, and one shelled pistachio nut.
Mix well, then use steam shovels to serve of a single sour-dough cracker the size of a soccer field.
Feeds the entire nation of France.
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